“I have six children. Three of them are step children, which means that they have been brought up properly, by someone else, and are therefore nice. But mine are a lot better at shoplifting.
I am 53, but I look younger because I’ve had a lot of work done. To the people who say “You don’t look younger, you just look weird”, I say “Shush, now, there’s a good girl”. Even if they’re not a girl.
For nearly thirty years, I was an accountant. I gave it up when, despite my best efforts, I only managed to sleep my way to the middle. I dream of a day when we are all treated the same, and bosses will sleep with all of their staff, whether they fancy them or not.
I am an alcoholic and haven’t had a drink for 16 years. What I have discovered is that I don’t need to drink in order to dance, or to try to get off with people. Happily, I don’t even need to drink to wet myself.
My maiden name was Wise. To this day I am still the height of the hobbit, Sam Wise, out of Lord of the Rings. Being called Goblin Girl throughout your teens is not nice.
My first bid to rid myself of this name was to marry a Latvian whom I met when I was a teenager. I will not be marrying any more Latvians. They don’t want me to.